In Syndication: Wrestling Zombies

This is a video that I along with four other made in MultiMedia Class last semester. It was my first semester back in school after being gone for 12 years. Our final project was to make 2-5 minute video about anything. Not wanting to look like dorks on video infront of class, we used my son's wrestling figures and made the Cult Classic you see below.

Just a bit of trivia... This video has the most hits of any Wrestling Zombie film on YouTube!

 I hope you enjoy.

0 comments:

In Syndication: Idiot Dad of the Week

There are times when things just don't go as planned. More recently, that's happened a lot with our Idiot Dad of the Week. Dads are supposed to be there for their children. Dads are required to take care of their kids and make sure that nothing bad or harmful happens to them. Sometimes Dads are not as careful and don't think things through very well. It usually is not planned and happens without thinking of possible scenarios afterwards.

It's with this behavior our first Idiot Dad of the Week was awarded this prize..

Without further adieu we present Eric Bolton as Idiot Dad of the Week.

Date: Sunday 03-28-10
Location: The Bathroom
Time: Bath Time

As per usual, it was bath time in Boltonshire. Eric usually bathes the children at night one at a time versus bathing three kids at once. He says it's to prevent bath time drama. He usually bathes Celi first, then Disco, and Ladybug is last.

Since Ladybug is older, she uses her mother's hair and body products. One such product her father had not been using is the AVON Strawberry Body Soap. Ladybug would keep reminding him after the bath saying it makes her smell "beautiful".

Eric remembered on this day.

Ladybug was excited as her dad put the soap on the washcloth. She wanted her father to smell the pleasant aroma and he did. Ladybug wanted to smell it next so her father held out his hand with the cloth and soap.

Here's what seals the award for this week.

As Ladybug goes down to smell the soap, Eric lifts his hand up to smear the soap on her nose and cheeks.

But....

Ladybug INHALED the exact second it hit her nose

CAUSING HER TO SNORT AVON STRAWBERRY BODY SOAP!!!

Ladybug laughed at first because she thought it was funny. But then her smile turned upside down and she started screaming BLOODY HELL MURDER!!!

Eric tried to get her to blow her nose because he thought it was irritating her nostrils.

But she couldn't.

He tried to dig the soap out with toilet paper.

No soap.

She then asked for water, which Eric poured for her.

More screaming.

The soap went UP her nose and was now in the back of her throat.

She asks for a popsicle because her throat is burning. She remembers this treatment from when her tonsils were removed. Eric wraps her in a towel and carries her to the kitchen. Her mother asks what is going on and Eric tells her while expecting to be struck down where he stood.

No striking.

Ladybug starts coughing and saliva and bubbles come out of her mouth. She eventually vomits A LOT and calms down. She takes her popsicle, gets dressed, lays on the couch and falls asleep.

She no doubt was thinking of how her Daddy violated her trust.

No word on if Eric still is responsible for bathing duties.

So congratulations Eric, you IDIOT!!!

0 comments:

In Syndication: Super Mega Bonus Lotto

Having five children can get a bit overwhelming as expected. They wake up before God does and won't go to sleep until you take them down with Benadryl Tranquilizers.  The in-between time could consist of crying, fighting, screaming, whining, not listening, running, slamming, hurting, arguing, and down right localized destruction. So every once in a while when one or more of them leave the house with KC or go with their grandparents somewhere, it's like winning the Super Mega Bonus Lotto.

This weekend, I won the Super Mega Bonus Lotto a few times. Nana took Disco to spend the night at her house on Friday. Saturday, KC took Ladybug to a card cutting party.  Then yesterday, Nana took Disco and Ladybug to a Super bowl get together.

Depending on which kid is gone, it increases my chance of getting a better payout.

MaddSkillzHave you ever had a puppy? You know when you're eating something; the puppy will come up to you with sad eyes and beg for a bite. It doesn't matter what it is. The puppy will always come to you and want to try whatever you're eating. That's MaddSkillz. When he sees his mother or I eating, snacking, drinking something and it is currently not in his mouth; he'll want it to be in his mouth. So when he's not around. I know that I can enjoy my Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream without sad eyes puppy thinking we let him starve for not offering him any.

Super Mega Bonus Lotto Winning Numbers: 2. Not so much a win, it sucks that you spent your money. The only thing you lost was your ice cream.

Celi
My 15 month old daughter isn't that bad. Usually when she's gone, it's just not as many diaper changes. She's been the easiest between her, Disco and Ladybug.

Super Mega Bonus Lotto Winning Numbers: 3. You at least get your money back.

Em
She's only 6 weeks old. It is just the obvious maintenance jobs with her. If she's gone I'm not stressing out because she won't let me put her down or stay asleep while I worry about the other children.

Super Mega Bonus Lotto Winning Numbers: 4. It’s not hitting the jackpot, but you can get yourself something nice.

Disco
My two year old son is a cannon ball. When he's not home I can expect no fighting whatsoever. Now this is not because he is an instigator. But because his older sister loves to pick on him and he'll pick back. Ladybug doesn't fight with Celi so with him out of the picture, no fights. There will also be no sneaking into rooms he shouldn't be in. The other kids are also able to fall asleep and stay that way when he is not home. If we put his little sister to bed and then put him down half and hour later, he will shake his sister’s crib, yelling her name to wake her up so they can play.

Super Mega Bonus Lotto Winning Numbers: 5. You're excited about getting that many numbers, yet disappointed that you couldn't get all six.

Ladybug
My four year old daughter seems to cause the most ripples in the house. I noticed that when she's not home, I can watch whatever the heck I want to on my TV. Sure I should be able to take control whenever I want too.  But sometimes, it's just not worth the trouble. The fits and temper tantrums will also be at a decline when she is elsewhere. Screaming at siblings will be at a decline and if the other kids are napping, it means I can too. There will be no talking back when you tell her that she can't do or have something.

Super Mega Bonus Lotto Winning Numbers: 6. Total Jackpot.


I know this seems bad. Especially for my first born. They are all blessings. And to follow up, while I might celebrate or encourage that they go hang out elsewhere, I eventually start to miss them. Then when they get home, I can't do anything but hug, squeeze, and kiss them.

And honestly, I'd take them over Super Mega Bonus Lotto Winnings any day of the week.

Am I alone in my celebratory thinking when a child of mine is out of the house temporarily?

0 comments:

In Syndication: Rules for Dating My Daughters

A fellow dad blogger of mine found out that he is going to be a father to a girl in the upcoming months. He posted on his blog about not knowing what to do in regards to his daughter dating or how he was going to pay for the wedding. I can certainly relate with his upcoming anxiety on account I felt the same shortly after we realized we were going to have our first daughter.

Seeing how I was a guy, and even though I was considered a nice guy, one thing always crossed my mind when it came the opposite sex. I was a dork and nothing ever happened the way I wanted, but I thought about it none the less. Also, KC and I did not have money to pay for the wedding of her dreams. This is also a concern when my THREE daughters want to get married.

So I have come up with the following on what I will be implementing in regards to my daughter's three.

Dating.

A rule in our house is that they are not allowed to date until they are 16. This goes for the boy's too. MaddSkillz, the first to be a teenager already broke this rule. Yes he has a girlfriend in school, but we've been major road blocks when it comes to doing anything alone with her. In the nearly year that he's been with her, they have not gone out on one date. Either alone or in a group. The same rules are going to be applied to the other kids.

So when they reach sixteen, I've decided that I am going to do a few things.

Invest in the most uncomfortable chair I can find.
This will be for when any would be suitors come to pick up one of my daughters. They will sit in this chair that will be directly across from me. The chair will have no arms so he will have no place to put his arms. He will then have to fidget when he tries to find a place to put them. Crossed. On his lap. By his side.
Directly behind me will be my collection of guns and rifles. Both automatic and semi-automatic. Along with some ninja swords.
I will also make visible a bulletin board that has missing posters of various would be suitors. Maybe even have a fake id stapled to each one.
I will also make sure I get his car's make, model and plates.
I will also have a Sprint/Nextel account that I will have a two way phone that he is required to have with him at all times. I will be able to contact them at any time when I want.
If he does not respond in a manner that is of my liking. I will be forced to contact the cops and report that he has kidnapped my daughter.
The goal is to weed out all the jerks and d-bags that will then say that it's too much hassle to date this chick.

The Wedding.

Now this is going to get expensive. Traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding. I'm against this idea. It's like the bride's parents are paying to get ride of their daughter. If you want to marry my daughter, you have to purchase her from me dangit.

More than likely my wife will disagree with this and I'll have to pony up. So here's what I'm suggestion.

Sponsorships.There will be $25.00, $50.00, $100.00, $250.00, $500.00, $1000.00 levels of sponsorship. I will set up a pay pal account strictly for the girls' wedding. Now if you think that you will get nothing for your money, you are wrong.

Here is what you get.
$25.00 - You will get your name in the reception slide show.
$50.00 - You will get your name in the reception slide show and two free drink tickets at the bar.
$100.00 - You will get the above AND your name in the wedding program.
$250.00 - You will get the above AND your name on a patch on the groom's back during the wedding.
$500.00 - You will get the above AND your name on a patch on the bride's gown instead of the groom's.
$1000.00 - You will get the above with your name on the bride AND groom as well as share the honeymoon suite with the new couple.

Also, any and all sponsorship donations will also get a shout out during the toast.

Now granted my daughters are 4 years, 1 year and 3 weeks old, I see that its plenty of time for family and my blog audience to raise enough money for them. The pay pal buttons will be set up in the coming months.

So, I think I got this down now. My daughters shouldn't say crap because they're not paying for it. Its none of their business how we raise the money. If they want something different then they can pay for it themselves.

Have a great weekend my friends.

0 comments:

In Syndication: World Domination Milestones

It's no big surprise that my wife is always pregnant with a future child of mine. It's pretty much been that way since we first got married. The day we got married, I became a father. A step-father to be exact. Although MaddSkillz isn't my natural son, I think of him, love him and get pissed off at him just like I do kids that have come from my loins.

A downfall of being a step-parent is that I was not there for all the "milestones" of Michael. I wasn't there for his first word. When he first rolled over. When he started crawling, walking, or talking back. Although I am still waiting for him to eat a meal without me having to hear it. When we hit that milestone, the people will rejoice.

So, I've had the pleasure of witnessing the kid's milestones the past 4 years. My wife and I are terrible at documenting these things, so our memory is a little fuzzy when it comes to the exact age the kids performed their feat. I am going to go on the record and say that Facebook and Twitter updates are my kids unofficial baby books.

The only stuff I can recall right away is that my son walked for the first time at 9 months. His sister pushed him down for the first time twenty seconds later. And none of the kids had teeth until over a year old.

But I've noticed with this most recent kid, that once the excitement of the milestone is worn off, it now becomes a requirement that they continue on with these milestones. For example, once your kid starts using a fork and spoon it's expected that they never eat mashed potatoes with their hands ever again.

Also, you don't get excited about the milestone after they've done it a few time. Like my youngest for instance. She started taking steps about 6 weeks ago. Now she's a full fledged walker. It's still not her primary way of commuting, but she better keep up with me at the mall now. She started walking at 9 months as well. I read the average is 13 months. That means I'm 4 months ahead of schedule on world domination.



See, she doesn't even do the Thriller Zombie Hands-In-The-Air Walk.
Here are other reasons why my kids rule the school.
Operating a DVD Player (including wiping off the 'paw prints' from the DVD) - Early 2's (Ladybug)
STF Wrestling Submission - Late 3's (Ladybug)
Not tapping to the STF - 22 months (Disco)
Wolverine Bezerker Attack - 9 months (Beautiful)
Talking Like a Pirate - Mid 2's (Ladybug)
Leaping From Top of Play set to Concrete Patio - 21 months (Disco)
Mad Break dancing Skills - 20 Months (Disco) - See Below


So, I've concluded that my son is indestructible. My baby girl is great at offense. And my oldest daughter can survive on a desert island alone. Now all I need is from this new baby, is the ability to breathe underwater and control sea life.

0 comments:

In Syndication: Toddler's in da Hood.


Yesterday afternoon, I'm relaxing on Labor Day in my living room watching some television. Now this isn't Daddy having to watch the Spongebob Squarepants Movie because the kids love the Goofy Goober song. Or even the Criminal Minds marathon on A&E because it's one KC's favorite shows. No, the kids were outside playing and the wife was somewhere else.


I HAD CONTROL OF THE TELEVISION!!!!


And it wasn't even the allotted 3am time that I am given.


So I'm sitting there watching my show. The wife comes in sits next to me, glances at the TV and judges what I'm watching with.. "What are you watching?!?!"


So I told her.


Then my daughter comes in from outside, sits on the couch and starts watching TV with me.


Then all of a sudden, my daughter starts throwing up gang signs!!


WTH?!?!


She starts doing it again!!


"Ladybug stop that!!"


More gang signs!! Apparently she still needs to represent her crew..


"Ladybug STOP!!"


"What is she doing?!?" KC asks..


"She's throwing up gang signs!!"


"CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!"


So a tip for all you dads with children of impressionable ages... It's probably not a good idea to watch Gangland on the History Channel with the kids around..


But I guess it already made it's mark on her, because I go outside and I see this spray painted on the wall...


It looks like the Ladybug Mafia is in it for life!!!

0 comments:

In Syndication: Super Hero Attack Strategies

I'm a comic book geek. Well, I was until I had to stop collecting about 11 years ago. It was either the current newest chromium cover one shot or rent. I've tried to sneak a peek every now and then at the new issues, but I have no clue what's going on. There's no way for me to catch up now. So I have to get my comic fix through the movies and my old books. Two years ago, I got a a Marvel Super Heroes Wall Calendar from my Secret Santa at work. Every month I waited in anticipation for the next month to bask in the splash page that will shine down on me from my desk every day.


It was about in March when I realized that these group photos of all the heroes make no sense.

Sure you have to escape belief when it comes to people with super powers, aliens living among us that are not named Tom Cruise, and no reports of collateral damage from any of the battles.

But most of the pictures have a handful or ALL the heroes running, flying, skipping, swinging, hopping or bouncing forwards in the picture. Ok let me show some examples I found.



Apparently all of our heroes are attacking someone that is down the hallway. Maybe they trapped Magneto in his study and they felt breaking into his house and cramming down the hallway was the best defense. Lookit poor Gambit, he was pissed because he had three and a half minutes of screen time in Wolverine, now he's rank and file between Spider-Man's butt and Iron Man's alchohism. WTH is Elektra doing here? I think that they just wanted the gratuitous T&A upfront. But then they forgot that this isn't 1996 and they aren't drawn by Rob Liefeld. And apparently The Thing wants first dibs at Magneto and smoking jacket.


Ahh.. The panoramic of EVERY character in the Marvel Universe. Can you imagine how much crime is being committed right now since all the heroes are here at the photo op. On the other end, imagine how much crime is NOT being committed because all the villains are in the same place. It's good to know that the world is being protected by Jarvis and Aunt May. But it's a great opportunity for the 16th tier villains such as Kite King and Humbug
I wonder if the photographer is getting paid big bucks for this. I bet Peter Parker is PISSED!! Does Mr. Fantastic need to have some body part stretching at all times? Do we really need to know that you can stretch? Wolverine is either in front because he's in every Marvel comic book or because he is the shortest. I also question if Nightcrawler BAMF'D his way to the front. Does Domino really need to have a weapon drawn? I wonder if she's thinking of Cable. Meanwhile in the back, Speedball wishes for his own series again from 1986.


Ok.. Here's an attack formation I was talking about. All the heroes are doing a frontal attack. Now, I failed out of Superhero Strategery School, but the time there I knew that you wouldn't have all your guys attack from the front. Who was the teacher in this school? George Washington?!?! Are the heroes like the Revolutionary Army and they're attacking the Redcoats??

Then I thought, Spider-Man usually works solo. Why is he always leading these charges??

Spider-ManOk guys.. My movies have made the most money.. I'll go in front…

Captain America: But you have no leadership experience..

Spider-Man: Yeah, but at least I'm not rumored to be played by Will Smith.

Then I think, why the heck is Dr Strange involved in this battle? And what powerful enemy are they attacking that require the level of power we see here? OnslaughtThe Skrulls?? Galactus?? Health Care Reform?






And this is what we're stuck with when all the heroes are posing for these pictures. Aunt May and Franklin Richards defending the world against Galactus. This just makes me wish I lived in the DC Universe.













0 comments:

In Syndication: Eric Bolton's Memorial Service

In case my blog is your news source for all your local, national, and world news updates; Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and Steve McNair have all died in the past few weeks. Along with those notable deaths, hundreds of non-notable people have died as well.

Unless this blog blows up bigger than Perez Hilton's, I will more than likely be on the non-notable side of the news when it comes to my deaths. Sure my family, friends and co-workers will likely not be happy, but anyone outside that sphere of influence will more than likely not care.

Just in case I die before my time or develop Alzheimer's and forget what I want, I would like the following to happen when I die.

  • I would like my funeral to be on a Saturday. Weekday funerals are really inconvenient. I have people that will be coming from out of town, and if I go before my mother, she lives in New York. My brother is in the Air Force and needs time to come from where ever he is assisting in the bombing of terrorists across the globe. Saturdays are better for people anyways. No one in town needs to schedule time off from work. The only thing that they will complain about is if it is during College Football Season. In that case, wait until the Aggies have a bye week or until after the t.u. game.


  • I would like the following song to be played while the slide show of my life is playing. Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas.


  • Please make sure the following people attend. Nathan HowardJohn Hacker and Scott Grones. They are all friends from college and people confused us for one another all the time. Pretty much we were all tall white boys. If they were to attend, people will see them and think that I faked my own death.


  • During the slide show, cut to a video of me talking into the camera at the people in attendance. I would like to set up some sort of choreographed skit between the video and certain attendees at the funeral who are in on it. It could be something like we get in an argument or I can video edit some laser beams or lightening bolts to make it wicked cool. (If interested in playing the part, leave a comment)


  • Have computer terminals available so everyone can update their Facebook and Twitter status to "Attending Eric Bolton's Funeral"


  • Tell my wife that she can now marry for money, since she married me for my looks.



  • The following are different options you can take to be creative at the funeral.

  • Very discreetly, place my body in a pew next to the attendees. Dress me in white pants, blue windbreaker, Magnum PI mustache, and sunglasses.


  • Freeze me in carbonite.


  • Stand me at the podium and have me give my own recorded eulogy.


  • Three Words: Viking Funeral Pyre.


  • Build an alter, place me standing next to a replica of the Ark of the Covenant. Open the Ark and then turn up the heat where my face melts off.


  • After everything is over, and my body is burned, you may do any of the following with my ashes.
  • Mix them with a three litre Dr Pepper.


  • Make my wife keep them in an urn and keep on the headboard of her bed if she were to get remarried.



  • I do not think that these requests are too far fetched. I just want people to have fun at my funeral. Is that too much to bequeath?

    0 comments:

    In Syndication: What do Torpedos, Suppositories and Wheelchairs have in common?

    It's just another Friday in my life!!


    A few months ago, it was decided that my three-something daughter was going to have her tonsils and adenoids removed. Those enlarged body parts tend to contribute to ear infections, difficulty breathing through your nose and ceasing to breathe while sleeping. This past Friday was the big day. I was off from work and the other kids were with their grandma I think. There were a lot of rules prior to leaving in the morning. One was, nothing to eat after 1AM. The other, nothing to drink after 5:30AM for a 9:30AM surgery.


    Here's a chronicle of that day.


    6:00AM: Woke up 45 minutes later than planned. Now the girl had a forced fast of dehydration the entire morning thanks to her parents [read father].


    7:30AM: Somehow it takes 90 minutes for three people to take a shower and get dressed. My wife and I do not eat or drink anything either because our daughter isn't allowed too. I use this same type of empathy when my wife is pregnant, when she wants an Oreo Cookie Blizzard at 8:30 in the evening, I eat one too. My daughter dresses like any beautiful princess does on her way to invasive outpatient surgery. Her white church sandals, a Disney princess dress, a long sleeve pajama top and a hoodie. She completes this ensemble by accessorizing with a pink felt Easter bag and a very very loved [read frumpy] Care Bear. We get in the car and back out the drive-way.


    7:32AM: I get back in the car because we [read I] did not get my daughter's cup.


    7:34AM: I get back in the car because the cup we [read I] got has a straw and it would probably hurt if she drank. Plus it was not her Dora the Explorer cup.


    7:36AM: I get back in the car because we [read I] got the WRONG Dora the Explorer Cup.


    8:50AM: The girl plays in the toy area not knowing what events are to unfold in the next half hour with a boy who seemingly is aware of his similar fate. When his name is called he takes the Lego's in the toy area and builds Panic Room for himself.


    9:25AM: We're in the, uh.. I guess you call it "prep area". She gets in her gown, some coloring pages, and a cup of crayons with three greens, a purple and two yellows. Seriously?!?! They also give her some medicine that makes her "feel no pain". Her depth perception is the first thing to go as she tries to hand me something and she slaps me in the face. She finds this to be funniest thing she's ever done, then commits to doing it a few more times before I break out the video option on my phone. Her antics are not nearly as funny of hit worthy as David goes to the Dentist, but it's funny to watch her laugh as she tries to keep her head up as it is getting heavier by the second. (after posting edit: I'm having trouble getting the video uploaded because my cell phone SUCKS and I'm changing it the second that T-Mobile won't screw me over)


    9:50AM: She's been carted back to the OR and we go back to the waiting room. I'm watching FOX News as The Hot Wife brings up breakfast. I'm enthralled in the story about a woman who has sued her husband who left her after 50 years of marriage for a woman 30 years younger. She was awarded $500,000 bucks for his indiscretions. Unknowingly to me, The Hot Wife was calling me across the waiting room requesting help. Apparently she dropped one of the [read mine] egg sangwiches and I was not paying attention to her cries for help in the clean up [of my egg sangwich].


    10:10AM: The doctor came to the waiting room and said the surgery went well. We head back to recovery area as the girl is coming out of anesthesia. She's not taking it well. Her reaction compares to that of Wolverine when he comes out of the adamantium bonding process.

    She must have taken out a couple of nurses and an intern because her recovery nurse was not very pleasant and obviously held a grudge because of her clawed up compatriots conditions were worsening. Her bedside demeanor was utter crap. The Hot Wife got on to her for the way she was talking to my daughter. I was excited because I was no longer the focus of her annoyance from the egg sangwich debacle.


    11:10AM: I hold my daughter as we are pushed out of the Surgery Center in a wheelchair. I'm excited again because this is my very first wheelchair ride in my near 35 years of existence. I feel like Professor X from X-Men except with hair and a more limited mind control ability. Which only consists of making the elevator doors open and close after the nurse pushes the button.


    12:30PM: We've been home and I need to go pick up the medication. For some strange reason, we feel it's okay for my post-surgery daughter go with me to pick up the meds. I put her in a basket and go to the pick-up counter. The pharmacy tech tells me that one of the meds will cause drowsiness and I retort with a "so she won't be able to drive?" Right when I say this, I hear a HACK from my daughter. I turn around and she just vomited all over herself. The Tech is nice enough to respond to my corny joke oblivious to my daughters heaving all over his store.


    12:45PM: I rush back home with the girl, tell The Hot Wife and it's time to give the anti-nausea medication. Finagrin. Finagrin comes in a couple forms, one is pills. The problem with the pill form is that if you are throwing chunks, how are you going to keep it down? So that is why this other form was prescribed to us.

    I'll take Suppository Form for 600, Alex!


    Actually, I do not know of anyone that will voluntarily take this form, but it had to be. With a lot of restraining from The Hot Wife and her mother, I got to know my daughter in a form that will never be spoken between us for as long as we both shall live.


    1:00PM: Everyone is tired. Everyone that is allowed to eat is hungry. So I talk my wife into a sangwich from Quiznos. Since I have a big family, I hate spending federal reserve amounts of money at fast food places. So I suggested the $4 Torpedo Sangwich. It's my current sangwich of choice. But everytime I go get a sangwich, I think of this commercial. It's really creepy.


    2:00PM: I get home from picking up a couple get well gifts as well. The Hot Wife is asleep as well as everyone else. I enjoy my Torpedo, not like the oven in that commercial does. When my wife finally eats hers, she's not so impressed. Maybe it's because I dropped hers on the floor this time.


    The rest of day played out like one would expect. The days that have followed have been back and forth. The Girl gets her popsicles and ice cream. She wants her medication when it's not time for it. So I have to melt popsicles and give her the liquid. She thinks that it's medicine and she's ok for a bit. She's usually a tough trooper, but this procedure has pushed her to her limits. I feel bad, because I've never had mine taken out. I've never had the number of procedures that my children have had to have in their short lives.


    This is one of those things that I wish that I could have some sort of Daddy power that I could take away their pain and make it my own. Just so they won't have to have it.



    But I'm not so sure about the suppository.


    Take care now, bye bye then.

    0 comments:

    Happy Birthday KC...

    Today is KC's birthday.  With KC's birthday close to Mother's Day, she sometimes gets screwed over because we slim on Mother's Day to make sure she gets a good birthday.  I had plans for Mother's Day, but time got away from me and we didn't have time to do what I wanted to do.  So in order to salvage Mother's Day for her, we gave her the birthday present for Mother's Day in hopes to give what we planned for Mother's Day for her birthday.

    Well, that didn't work out so well.

    I had plans to take her our for a long overdue night out with her awesome husband but apparently, my friends and family are mad that I called them "losers" in a previous post and refuse to watch my kids.

    Who knew they read my blog?

    And she's not even going to be with us on her birthday evening anyways.  Which is cool with me because I would much rather stay at home by myself with four screaming kids and a hormonal changing teenage boy instead of going out with my wife.

    I think it's fantastic.

    But I made her a messkin dinner last night, with what I thought was an original recipe of Chicken and Cream Cheese Enchiladas.  After I was done eating I Googled the meal and there were plenty of recipies for the same type of dish.  But mine was still awesome.  This just makes her believe that I should cook dinner ALL THE TIME.

    Which I don't mind, I actually enjoy cooking.  It allows me to be creative.

    Anyways, today is her birthday and I'm not off of work. She probably won't feel all that special because she's going to wake up and feed the baby and eventually get in the same routine as she always does everyday.

    But without her, this house would be nothing.  There would be holes in the walls and broken furniture.  And that's just from me going freaking crazy with the Fatal Five.  She holds this family together like no one else can.  Her children love her and her husband adores her.  She lifts me up, yet keeps me grounded.

    She is the Mary Jane Watson to my Peter Parker.

    She is the Lois Lane to my Superman.

    She is the Rachel Dawson to my Bruce Wayne.

    Oh wait she blew up.

    She is the Meredith to my Derek.

    The June Carter (played by Reese Witherspoon) to my Johnny Cash (played by Joaquin Phoenix).

    She is the Sun to my Jin.

    The Kate to my either Jack or Sawyer.


    Whichever she decides.



    She is the Sandra to my Jesse James.

    The Elin to my Tiger.

    The Kate to my Jon.

    Uhhh... Scratch those last three.

    She is the Olivia to my Elliot.

    Even though they are only partners, they'd give their lives for one another.

    I love her more than my life and I am so blessed that she hasn't come to her senses in regards to being married to me.
    Happy Birthday Sweetheart.  I hope you're day is blessed and filled with joy. 

    At least starting at 2:30 when I get off work and you can't start getting ready for your night on the town.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    James over at "Luke, I Am Your Father" gave me an idea.  Since I hit 200 posts, that qualifies me for syndication.  I'm going to take a break from new blog posts the next two weeks.  I need some time to recharge and bring you the quality crap you're used to ignoring.  We'll return June 1.  In the meantime, enjoy some of my favorites.

    0 comments:

    Like Mother, Like Daughter

    [ -Scene: Eric is working at home and KC comes into the room, stands at the doorway and asks what has to be the most important thing at the time and there needs to be an answer and decision RIGHT NOW! - ]


    KC: Aliens have landed two blocks down, they're blocking traffic and I need to get to the store for one can of tomato sauce. The dog got out of the yard and is leading the resistance against the impending alien invasion. Tomorrow I have a meeting but it's the same time as Ladybug's baseball practice and MaddSkillz orthodontic evaluation. But I don't know if that's even still on because of how close we are to ground zero or even if our electrical devices still work. Mom is coming over to take Disco to the mall and Celi is throwing a fit because of it. And I don't have enough frozen milk for Em. What should we do?

    [-Instead of going "WTH?!?!" Our Hero doesn't say anything, but starts running different scenarios through his head at lightning speed. Like one can of tomato sauce isn't something that I want to risk the safety of my family in the wake of an alien attack. If the dog got out, more power to it. If the meeting is that important, we can just not go to the one practice and reschedule the appointment. Tell Mom not to worry about it because no one will be going out during the attack anyways. And since you're not going anywhere, we won't need to give Em frozen milk because you're here and you can........-]

    KC: NEVER MIND!!! You're sitting there with a blank look on your face.. I'll take care of it myself!!!!

    [ - She leaves, and End Scene - ]

    I was literally half a second from solving the problem, but it wasn't quick enough, the aliens had almost overtaken the grocery store and all it's tomato sauce.

    [ - Scene: Eric is working at home again and is called to the backyard to deal with the Happy problem. Happy likes to jump on the kids while they play outside. Eric has solved the problem before by putting her in the carrier. Happy is getting big, and Eric feels bad and is assessing the situation on how to barricade him in the larger doghouse so he won't get out. "Assessing" meaning, not saying anything, but standing in one spot of the back yard thinking about what will work the best. Ladybug is standing at the backdoor. - ]

    Ladybug: Daddy, you need to put Happy up!!!

    Daddy: I know. I'm working on it.

    [ - A few seconds go by - ]

    Ladybug: You're just standing, what are you doing?

    Daddy: Thinking!

    [ - A couple seconds go by and I almost have the solution-]

    Ladybug: Think FASTER!!!

    Daddy: SHUT THE BACK DOOR!!!!

    [ - End Scene -]

    Is it just a female thing? Do they expect men to have the answer to every problem right away? Should I tell them, "Hold on, I'm thinking??" It's not an automatic reaction for me to do that. My initial response is to start solving the problem in my mind? I know if I would have told them initially that I was thinking of the solution, they wouldn't have gotten all frustrated. But they should know I'm not an epileptic like Silas Marner or Patrick Star.

    Do you have similar situations like this?  Or is this going to be my life with a wife and three daughters??

    Be sure to check out Dad-Blogs and Fatherhood Friday, if you have the patience for it that is.

    Have a great weekend my friends.

    0 comments:

    Now Accepting Applications

    I don't get to watch it much, but on occasion I catch an episode of The Amazing Race.


    Like with any reality show competition, I sometimes fantasize about how I would measure up picking the right case, battling for immunity, racing around the world or eating bull piston. Being 35, I'm out of the running for anything on MTV. Though I wanted to be on Singled Out, I never got the chance.

    I once filled out an application for Survivor (circa season 3), but a friend of mine told me I would wither away to nothing on the island that long (I was around 140 at the time). Now I'm circling 190 pounds, so that can't be an excuse anymore.

    But recently, I've thought more about The Amazing Race. I would enjoy that more than Survivor, Big Brother or Temptation Island.

    So if I were to go on Amazing Race who would I partner with? Usually the teams have some sort of connection, whether they're dating, married, siblings, worked together, etc. But since having five kids have ostracized us pretty much, my pickings of a partner are slim.

    My Wife
    Logically she would be my first choice. But then there's the fear that I would be blamed if we didn't win. She'll complain about me texting while I'm driving a rickshaw through Hong Kong or something. Her patience during stressing matters is not very thick. I would just start yelling at her to give me more time to figure out how to translate ancient Hebrew. While we would kick butt at Taboo, The Amazing Race would not be one I think we would do well with. Drama? Heck yeah. Winning? Not sure. Plus the whole not comfortable with large bodies of water thing would not be good for us.

    My Brothers
    All my brother's are in good shape and are not scared of water. Half of them have graduated college. One brother has military training and one can quell riots in Texas federal prisons. I have no doubt that we could conquer any physical challenge. I just don't know if I could take going around the world with someone that keeps calling me and everyone else "gay" and "jackass".

    My Friends
    Not a lot of them left. It's not like they all died very mysteriously. It's just since school, we've all just drifted. Sure we're on Facebook, but it's only out of courtesy. We went through a lot in college, so we could transcend that into the Amazing Race, but it will feel really contrived.

    MaddSkillz' Dad
    This is one I keep bringing up. He's a smart guy, around my age and I'm pretty sure cool with water obstacles. We don't talk much, but we're cordial to one another. We'd have that interesting dynamic of our relationship. I think this one would be really cool, but KC and MaddSkillz don't think he'd be up to it. Plus he'd probably be pissed if some of his winnings went to child support.

    Dad Bloggers
    I have no clue if it's been done before. Again an interesting dynamic because we're all Dads and Fathers, but we have different ways we raise our children and our personalities, though usually same minded, could clash. Which like the spouse scenario could create drama. But then you'd have the nay-sayers saying nay stuff like, "Who's with the kids while he's running around the world?!?" "Who does he think he is, Jon Gosselin?"

    So there you go. Even though I would like to run around the world doing weird challenges and riding in side cars through Moscow, can I find someone who would want to do it with me? I could always put an add on Craigslist.

    What about you, do you want to go on Amazing Race? If you do, will you call me a jackass?

    Have an amazing day my friends.

    0 comments: