A Letter to Lincoln Burrows.

You pretty much have to have seen Prison Break to appreciate this post.  MaddSkillz and I are currently  into season 2 via NetFlix.

Dear Lincoln,

It's a pretty known fact people think convicts are idiots.  They do stupid things to get themselves in situations that cause them to get arrested.  I know you were set up and all so you don't really fall into that category.  But I'm beginning to think you're as big of an idiot as everyone else in jail.  I'm talking about your attire while you are on the run.


Do you have to dress so dang cool?  Loose open shirt, B.A. sunglasses?  Shaved head?  Sure, if I had your bone structure I'd shave my head.  Heck I'd wear my shirt unbuttoned too.  But I'm not on the friggin' run like you are. 

The idea is to blend in with everyone else.  Not to look like you're going to the MTV Movie Awards.  It's no wonder why you're always recognized when you're walking around MIDDLE AMERICA.  They tend to wear their shirts buttoned all the way up and hair parted to the side.

I know the series is over now, but seriously.  Your brother thought of everything on his tattoo.  Was there no room on his body to remind himself to tell you not to dress like a d-bag?

Just a suggestion.



Elf Watch 2011 - Day 3.

The Elf on the Shelf survived day two.  It's either coming back because the kids have been good, or coming back because he needs more evidence in the case against them.

Admiring a snowflake from atop the garland and bow.
They finally named him too.

They named him "Antonio".  Not as in San Antonio.  But as in "Antonio Garcia".  The Gold Samurai Power Ranger.


Elf Watch 2011 - Day 2.

The Elf on the Shelf showed up the other day, it's making it's run to Santa's Workshop to tell him how the Boltonshire Kids are doing.  The fact he wasn't knocked off the entertainment center with a baseball yesterday makes it a victory all around.

Grandpa Dan's Stocking.


Elf Watch 2011.

Have you heard of Elf on the Shelf?  If you're too lazy to click the link, or you think I prank people by provider seemingly innocent links that are really NSFW, here's the deal.  This Elf shows up from the north pole shortly after you decorate your house for Christmas.  It doesn't say a word, but only communicates with it's rosey cheeks and big blue eyes.

The elf sits on the shelf, not really doing much.  It basically just comes in to your home, makes itself comfortable and just sits there.  Kind of like the Occupy protesters .  No real visual agenda.  But unlike Occupy protesters, it actually leaves for a while.

Every night it flies to the North Pole and reports to Santa on how the kids have been behaving.  It comes back the next day and is in a different spot.  Since I have nothing else better to do on this blog, I'll go ahead and start ELF WATCH 2011

[ - cue the dramatic news bumper music - ]

Day One.

Sitting on the entertainment center.

Christmas morning, the Elf should not be there because it's job is done creeping you out.  The kids are supposed to name it, but they haven't yet.  I'm thinking CLB.

Stay tuned to other places CLB will show up.

[ - cue dramatic news bumper music - ] 


P-Touch Label Review - Part 2.

So a few months ago, I was chosen to partake in a series of blog posts testing, talking, using and reviewing The Brother P-Touch Label Maker.

In case you missed the first post (or you want to read about me trying to blow stuff up), clicky herr for the P-TOUCH LABEL GAUNTLET OF DOOM!!!  I basically ran the label through a series of X-TREME hardcore matches to try and get it to submit.

Now this month, I had to use the label maker to, umm... uh... make labels myself.  I had to use them in a bedroom / playroom setting.  Seeing as how the young folk of Boltonshire, pretty much claim ANY ROOM as their playroom, I figured I had carte blanche to use them anywhere.

So let the labeling begin.

Now if you've been a reader of this blog (even before I stopped posting with varying frequency), you know I have a lot of kids.  Really, I do.  It's not just a gimmick I have to get reviews. I honestly have about 285 pounds worth of kids.

I can promise everyone on the face of the earth my wife will add up the weights of the children and tell me I'm wrong even if it's by half a pound.  Seriously, Sweetheart.  It's okay.  

So, 285 pounds of kids you tend collect a lot of shoes.  Especially since 95 pounds of them are girls (which equals 7,231 pairs of shoes).  For a long time, we'd try to put all the shoes in one bin, but it would always over flow and there'd be a ginormous pile of shoes on the floor.  KC and I would be sifting through the shoes to find matching ones while running late for church.  It literally monopolized 15 hours of our day.

Then my amazing, always right when it comes to the stats I post on this site, of a wife decided to give the kids their own bins.  It was followed up by Mr. Brother P-Touch Label Maker putting the proverbial cherry on top.

Remember earlier this year when I found that HUGE comic stash from the late 60's to early 80's?  I'm slowly going through them, trying to inventory what's in each box.  I figured it'll be a good idea to break out the label maker and label the bins with the respective comics inside.  Like so...

It's cool and all, but since they're not locked away anywhere, if anyone were to break into my house looking for the comics, they'd know which bins to go to.  They'd skip over the Howard the Duck bin and go straight for the Uncanny X-Men.

You know how earlier I mentioned I have 95 pounds of daughters in the house?  Before The Emsters was born, our space was limited.  We didn't really have a place for a new dresser.  We did have a bookshelf that was constantly being de-booked by the children.  Eventually, I just got rid of the books and threw them up in the attic.  We replaced the books with The Emsters clothes.  Again, my wife had the idea to put the clothes in bins and label the bins.  As seen herr.

I used to have this bit here on Juggling Eric called My Starving Artist.  Ladybug said she wanted to be an artist when she grew up.  So I posted her pictures here to showcase them.  Her Gigi (my mother) got her an art case for her birthday this year.  Even though it's the only art case in the house, I labeled it anyways.

During the P-Touch Label Maker Gauntlet of Doom post, it was impossible for me to get the label off the plexi-glass short of scraping it against a tree trunk and street curb.  As soon as The Emsters saw something new, she had to try and destroy it.  She proceeded to take the label off Ladybug's art case with no issues what so ever.  She didn't even need nail polish remover.  I printed a couple more for Ladybug  just in case.  I even pressed them to make sure there were no air bubbles.  Sure enough, my youngest offspring took it off no problem (as seen in the picture above).  So as long as The Emsters is not in your house, your labels are safe.

Now I didn't want to leave everyone else in Boltonshire out, so I had to include the other members with their personal belongings.

The labels are great, I haven't even discovered all the options yet aside from the frames and designs.  I would have done more for my comics, but I am not sure on the amount of tape that's available in the sample cartridge.

“I wrote this review while participating in a campaign by Mom Central Consulting on behalf of Brother P-Touch and received a product and gift card to facilitate my review and a promotional item to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

This is the second part of the series of Brother P-Touch Label Maker Reviews.


Happy Third Birthday Celi!!

Something I knew that was inevitable, but refused to acknowledge.  My Celi Belly turns THREE today.  At the time, I really didn't know how I was going to be able to deal with TWO girls.  She by far has been the least maintained (in health and in discipline, although she has her moments).  When she was a baby, she would just sit and watch everyone.  I thought either she was observing and gaining knowledge or learning everyone's weaknesses.

I can usually have an image in my head of what a project would look like at it's completion.  But if you would have told me three years ago, I could not have imagined her to be as beautiful as she's turning out to be.

I love you Araceli Elena.  You are an amazing girl, and I am truly blessed to have you as my daughter.

Happy Birthday Celi!!!


Happy 4th Birthday Disco

Seth's Birthday Present.  A Robot in Disguise

Disco turns four today, and honestly I AM TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD SON!!!

So in honor of Disco.. I present two videos I made for him when he was born.

Beautiful Day

The Origin of Disco

Happy Birthday my son, you make me proud to be a father.


Occupy Boltonshire

So I've been taking notes the last month about this Occupy Wall St thing.

Then I made some additional notes in comparison.  This time looking at my children.

Either my kids are going to grow up to be a bunch of hippies, or the Occupy Wall Street hippies are a bunch of babies.  Sure I'm generalizing, but seriously, I'm part of the 99% as well and I don't think I'm entitled to ANYTHING that I didn't earn myself.  I don't need Obama to do anything for me.   I didn't need Bush to do anything for me either.

I work for a giant insurance company.  One of the largest in the nation.  I'm a warm body here.  If I lost my job today, should I complain about the 10 plus years I've put into the place?  Complaining does not put food on my kids plates.  It doesn't get my wife's medicine.

Heck no.  As a father, husband and a man being the sole income earner in my house, I don't give a crap if I have to donate plasma at seven different stations in between working general labor jobs from craigslist.  My family comes first before any cause.

There's nothing wrong with causes and fighting for them.  But this whole entitlement stuff is pure crap.  And while my kids are kids and I joke in jest about them being destructive forces of nature, they will see their parents working hard and not expecting something for nothing because a rich white guy in on the 97th floor made a billion dollars this quarter.

<  / end rant >

Have a great day my friends.


Happy Sixth Birthday Ladybug!

Ladybug has been counting down the days, weeks and months until this day was here.  We've tried to tell her we are not allowing her to turn six this year.  She didn't buy it.  We even told her that the president put in a a rider in the American Jobs Act that all birthdays that fell on October 14th were effectively cancelled this year going forward and there was nothing we could do about it.

She must listen to Rush Limbaugh because she knew that was crap too.

Against our wishes, October the Fourteenth has arrived and our baby girl has turned six years old and she couldn't be more excited.  I am taking it quite well as of this writing.  Tomorrow when I drop her off at school?  I'll be a hot mess.

I'm too young to have a six year old daughter...

Here's a picture of us the day she was born.

Daddy and Ladybug October 14th, 2005

I seriously can't believe she was EVER this tiny.

So in an effort to keep thinking of her this way, we recreated this photo last night.

Daddy and Ladybug October 13th, 2011
I haven't changed that much in six years.  Why the heck has she?

Happy Birthday Ladybug.  You are an amazing daughter, a terrific sister, and a wonderful blessing to this family.

Thank you for being my daughter.


Fantasy Football Results Weeks Four and Five

Life’s gotten kind of busy here in Boltonshire, so blog posts are few and far between.  If you see a daily post, it’s because it was scheduled in advance.  I’ll do my best to stay up to date 
Fantasy Football Week Four

El Supremo Maximos (2-1) vs SA Scikotics (2-1)

I played my baby brother (the one with the team that does not have a douchebag name).  We were both 2-1 going into the match up.  We were in Houston for my other brother’s wedding (the one WITH the douchebag name), and he took great joy in seeing the Steeler’s LOSE TO THE STINKIN TEXANS!!!!  Not for any real love for Houston, but for the fact the Steeler’s defense was yet again SCREWING WITH ME!!!!

Final Score: El Supremo Maximos 69 / SA Scikotics 79  

It wasn’t a total devastation, but if the Steelers would have done their crap, I could have won.

If I cussed, I’d call them a-holes.

El Supremo Maximos (2-2).

Fantasy Football Week 5

El Supremo Maximos (2-2) vs Team YO MERA (2-2)

I don’t even know what to think of the other team.  It would hurt if I did, so I didn’t bother.  I had won my first two games and it’s down hill from here and to be honest, I forgot about setting the team for play this week.  Honestly, I didn’t touch the team and was already pushing it out for auto pilot.

The Steelers didn’t suck up the field, but I would probably only call the b-holes now.  

But somehow, I pulled out a win.

El Supremo Maximos 127 / Team YO MERA 68
Obviously they put their team on auto pilot too.

Next Week
Next week I take on my new sister in law.  And I’m not EVEN going to put her name on here for fear it will bring in the wrong type of audience if they decide to google search her name, so I’m just going to call her, “Team Who Shall Not Be Googled”

El Supremo Maximos (3-2) vs. Team Who Shall Not Be Googled (3-2)

I’m scared.  Not because she’s my new sister in law and I don’t want to embarrass her.  I’m scared of search engine optimization results.

If you’re a perv leave this page.


Ladybug's Lunchbags: Spongebob Week

A couple things changed this week.  KC started working nights, and in an effort to keep her mentally sane, I changed my schedule so I could take Ladybug and MaddSkillz to school in the morning.  The down side is I don't get home until 7pm.

Expanding from a suggestion from Lee over at An Ordinary Dad, I started themes each week.  It's easier on me because I don't have to think about what to do every night.  

This week, Spongebob Squarepants' Supporting Characters


TUESDAY - Plankton

WEDNESDAY - A School of Jellyfish

THURSDAY - Mr. Krabs

There was not a Friday due to our going out of town for my brother's wedding (Team Thunder Dumplings from Fantasy Football).  And apparently I lied about the picture quality.

Have a great day my friends.


The City of Sugarland versus Eric D. Bolton et al.

We went to the Houston area for my brother's wedding this weekend.  We came home with this....

 Details to come later this week.  Hope your weekend was equally as fun.

Have a great week my friends.


Parenting Books Suck Survival Tip #16

Did you know I was writing a parenting book?  Yep.  It's a work in progress and these are the notes.

Previous Tips - 4 / 8 / 15


Ladybug's Lunch Bags Week Three

I don't get to see Ladybug off to school in the morning, so I decorate her lunch bags everyday to let her know I'm thinking about her.

Weeks OneTwo

MONDAY - Shamu - This one was done when the storm took the power out Sunday night

TUESDAY - A Ladybug. Reasons apparent.

WEDNESDAY - Spectacular Spider-Man - FRONT
WEDNESDAY - Spectacular Spider-Man Logo - BACK

THURSDAY - Dino. Per request from Nana.  Unfortunately Ladybug did not know who it was. 

FRIDAY - Johnny Test.  One of her favorite cartoons before we axed cable.

I realize the picture quality sucks, but I think I figured out what is wrong with the camera on my phone.  The quality of the photos should be better next week.

Have a great day my friends.


Fantasy Football Results Week Three.

Week three of the Fantasy Football season is over.

This week:  El Supremo Maximos (1-1) versus Team Pace (2-0).

This week the third ranked (in their division) Maximos took on division leaders Team Pace.

Ugh.  Another I don't have time to come up with a catchy' hey I'm funny douchey name' team!

You know, I should really watch what I say because these guys are going to be at my brother's  (The Thunder Dumplings) wedding this weekend.  Then again, I'm delusional if I think anyone other than my wife, mother and mother-in-law actually read this blog.  So I can pretty much talk as much crap as I want to.

Well the Maximos were the underdogs going in.  I could tell you the reason, but I have no clue who is on my team let along the opposing team.  So me telling you why some other team is better than mine would make me look idiotic.  I'm so short sighted when it comes to managing, I don't even look to see who I'm playing the following week.  I base it all off of who screwed up the week prior, I get all Frank Castle AND I PUNISH THEM!!!

Just ask the wife of my former kicker Nate Kaeting.  He lost his leg in a Michael Vick dog fight and I dropped him like phat beat.  I'm not all about, "Let's go team!  You guys do great no matter what the score is", "We didn't lose, we ran out of time!!"


Threatened terroristic style punishment is the excellent coaching skills I showed this weekend.  El Supremo Maximos were projected to lose to Team Pace, but guess what!

El Supremo Maximos pulled the upset and won by a score of 107 to 74.

Team Pace?!?  More like Team.... uh... Face.. As in... "in your....."


Now this win is very important for the Maximos.

From my initial FF Post.
 - I will win two of the first four games and then go on a eight game losing streak.

With my two wins out of the way, it is nothing but DOWNHILL from here.  My team is like the Houston Texans of Fantasy Football.

El Supremo Maximos (2-1) take on the SA Scikotics (2-1)

The Scikotics get bonus points for having a non-douchebaggery name.  From the last two teams I played, he should get bonus points for having a name at all.  This team is managed by another one of my brothers.

I will be making no changes since I've done okay the past two games and no one has a bye just yet.

How did your teams do?

Have a great day my friends.