Guest Post from Stormtrooper Dad

I was off from work on Wednesday taking care of Boltonshire while KC attended some meetings in regards to D, so I don't have a post for today.  But I'll opening it to a guest blogger, Stormtrooper Dad.  I feel like I've known Stormtrooper Dad my whole life.  We've each experienced similar life lessons.  I think it's crazy how that happens in life, being we're separated by the far reaches of space and time.  So without further yadda yadda yadda, Stormtrooper Dad.

My Employer

Most of you may be familiar with my employer, The Galactic Empire.  While we have many locations, our primary base of operations is known as the Death Star.

According to Wookiepedia "The DS-1 Orbital Battle Station,[5] known unofficially but more commonly as the Death Star is a massive Imperial battle station/super weapon with a diameter of 160 kilometers designed to enforce law and order throughout the Empire with the threat of planetary destruction."

I've been with the Galactic Empire for quite a while now, ever since the Old Republic was around.  I've seen a lot of people come and go, but lately I'm praying to the Force that I can find a way out sooner or later.

I've bounced around in different positions and locations.  Currently I holocommute from home.  It's cool because I can see the little clones and my wife throughout the day.  It can be stressful at times, especially when one of the little baby clones are screaming in one of the adjacent living quarters.

Fortified steel isn't as sound proof as one might think.

Over the past year, there's been lots of changes at the Death Star.  Rule changes, policy and procedure changes, things that don't sit well with me since I've been away from the office.  Every time I talk to someone there, I can feel the coldness and hardness of their hearts when trying to accomplish a mission.

I guess being away for as long as I have, I've actually developed a conscience and have not subsided to the continued clone programing.  Everything appears to skew off Executive Order 66, and there are no more alliances with those who we originally helped.  It's only for the survival of the Galactic Empire.  It makes me sick to my stomach.

Whenever the Death Star destroys a planet, it destroys a part of my soul in the process.

I could look for another job, but all my experience is looking for droids and guarding outposts.  I honestly want to get away from this employer and career field.  It makes me sad to see how far the Empire has morally fallen.

Not that they were that high up in that regards anyways.

What about you?  Does your proverbial Emperor cause you to have occupational depression as well?


Stormtrooper Dad a.k.a EB1697 is a father of five little clones. He is happily married to KC517. They have been married six years and live in the Notlob Providence of the Cire Star System. If you would like to follow Stormtrooper Dad's blog click here

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Busted.

It's no big secret I'm kind of a big deal dork.  Sometimes, I try to act like I know what's going on in the world of the manly men but there is only so much Spike TV I can take.  When it comes to sports, I'm total band wagon.    
If you were to ask me about the game the other night, I wouldn't be able to even fake an answer.  But ask me about Top Chef All Stars, Project Runway or WWE?  I'm all on top of that stuff.  Want comic book movie adaptation information?  I'll tell you the up to date info on that shiznit.

Once in a while I venture out of what I know in attempts to appear to be less dorkish.  So I sign up to play fantasy sports.  

Last Fall, I played da fantasy foosball with my brother's league.  I lost the first game, won the next two and thought I was on a streak then subsequently lost the next nine.  Seriously Brett Favre?!?

This past week, I decided it would be the first time I would participate in NCAA Basketball Brackets.  I still had no clue as to how good any of the teams were because they don't show games on Nick Jr and none of the Power Rangers are on a team.  

I made my best guesses.

So I decided to check Monday morning to see where I was at in the standing and apparently I did so horrible, this was splashed across my results screen.

Click for Enlargement and to see my picks.


Well I guess that settles that.

So there you go...




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My Stash.

Not This 'Stash.
So I never really followed up from my trip to Fort Worth to pick up my comic book collection.  I took off at 3:30 AM and got back home about 2:30PM.  I only stayed in Fort Worth about 20 minutes in all because I had to get back to San Antonio before 3.

I brought home 34 boxes of various sizes.  Some boxes contained maybe 50 comics others over 200.  So all in all, I believe I gained about 2500 books from the trip.

Not bad for $500.00.

Even though I think I've gone through every box, I still do not have a complete list of what I have, just a general idea.

Some facts about the Stash:
  • The previous owner was a true collector.  He collected from about 1968 to the early 80's. 
  • He bought them all news stand and subscription.  More than likely not from a comic book store as back issues.
  • The previous owner was one of the first winners of the lottery in Florida from what I understand.
  • He didn't have any family, which is why the books were not bequeathed to anyone.
  • One DC comic in the whole bunch.  The Atom # 65.
  • Apparently this was only half, because the other half was lost in a flooded basement.
  • Almost complete sets of Iron Man, Spider-Man, Captain America, Fantastic Four, Dare Devil, Uncanny X-Men, Incredible Hulk, Ghost Rider, Sgt. Fury and His Howling Commandos from 1968 to 1983.
  • Tons and tons and TONS of Conan the Barbarian.
  • A lot of anthologies with suspense stories about aliens, monsters and zombies.
While writing this, I thought maybe the half that was lost in the flood were all the DC (Batman, Superman, Green Lantern) comics that are noticeably absent.  Then I also thought, what if the half that were lost in the flood were ones from years prior (1960 - 1968).  Which could have been the first Spider-Man, first Fantastic Four, Iron Man and Hulk.

I honestly don't want to think about that part any more.

I think he was a big Conan and Vampire guy because there is more of them than anything.  The Conan ones are the main ones I'll get rid of.  I'll probably sell them on Craigslist or to a comic shop.

Some of my more notables are:  (I'll list those only who had movies)

Iron Fist #19 - First Sabretooth
Amazing Spider-Man #252 - First Venom Costume


Marvel Spotlight #5 - First Ghost Rider


Amazing Spider-Man #121 - Death of Gwen Stacy


X-Men #101 - Birth of the Phoenix
Amazing Spider-Man #129 - First Punisher

Incredible Hulk #181 - First Wolverine


Again, I haven't gone through every single bin, but I'm pretty sure I've found the most prized ones.


So, there you go.







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An Open Letter To The Current Power Rangers.



Dear Samurai Power Rangers, 
c/o Master Ji.

There is no doubt that my kids' favorite TV show right now is Power Rangers Samurai.  We have every episode of the current season recorded and they watch the show on a daily basis.  My children emulate the characters and secretly hope to be chosen to be Power Rangers once they've mastered their skills.

Along with kicking monster butt (which I will get to soon), your show has character centric episodes and flashbacks that deal with bullying, self esteem, commitment, etcetera.  It's like Lost without Kate running into the jungle, finding a trail, and causing a love triangle.  The fighting is not seen as violence because it's shown as a way for good to prevail and douche bag monsters with horrible designs and even worse puns to be destroyed.

But what my kids do not notice is the general lack of concern for collateral damage in your TV show.  I honestly have not witnessed as much collateral damage as the Power Rangers have caused since we stayed at the beach house in Port Aranasas in 2009.


Take this scene above.  You guys just dropped a stinkin' bomb on the bad guy.  He gets engulfed in a giant ball of fire in the middle of a mall parking lot.  Sure it's probably eight in the morning on a Saturday and there shouldn't be that many people at the mall already, but there's always an old person in a track suit doing laps around the inside perimeter.  You don't think this plan of attack is a little too close to civilians.

Now what you fail to realize (and you would think they would know this by now after seventeen seasons), that once you blow the jerk up, he comes back ginormous.


Like this dude right here.  Once he get's all big and stuff, you pull out your Zords, get big as well and get your Voltron on.  But have you noticed you are walking on innocent people and their vehicles?  Sentinals are more considerate of human property when hunting mutants than you guys are when trying to kill Gigantor.


Once you're done stepping on everything in your way, the monster blows up in the middle of downtown taking out delis and parking garages for medical centers.

This happens every episode.

Have you even thought about getting him away from populated areas? You do realize you were better off with him as an annoying runt, right?  Why hasn't there been a U.S. led NATO attack on you with all the damage you've caused?

Here's a suggestion for next time.  When you have the d-bag going outside the Orange Julius harassing chicks, just take your flying lizard unicorn Zord, pick him up and launch his arse into outer space.


Maybe in your next staff meeting, Master Ji, you can give them the idea.  I know I didn't go to or graduate from Power Ranger Academy, but it appears no one on the show did either.

Signed,
Eric D. Bolton
Concerned Bystander.


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How To Fix Your A/C Unit in 33 Easy Steps.




STEP 1: Have your wife tell you the A/C isn't working
STEP 1.
.
STEP 2: Change the filter because that fixed the problem last time.

STEP 3: Have your wife tell you it's still not working.

STEP 4: Tell her to chill and the coils just need time to defrost.

STEP 5: Repeat STEP 3.

STEP 6: Tell her to chill again. It's the beginning of January and you have 3 good months of cool weather before it starts getting hot and it NEEDS to be fixed.

STEP 7: Have her remind you you live in Texas. 

STEP 8: Look on internet for what might be wrong. 

STEP 9: Have your stomach knot up because you don't have the money to have someone come and fix an A/C unit. 
STEP 10.

STEP 10: A month later, have your dad and brother look at it and you stand behind them with the screw driver. 

STEP 11: Have your wife remind you every hour how hot it is in the house. 

STEP 12: Tell her we are blessed to have windows that can open.

STEP 13: Sleep on the couch. 

STEP 14: Secretly laugh because the joke is on her, it's cooler in the living room than the bedroom. 

STEP 15: Repeat STEP 11.

STEP 16: With income tax refund, go and buy the part. 

STEP 17: Have the part store tell you they only sell to companies wholesale and not to n00bs who think they can fix their own A/C unit. 

STEP 18: Eventually find a place that will sell to you. Get there and find out they only have half of what you need. 

STEP 19: Wait for the part to come in four days later. 

STEP 20: Keep repeating STEP 11 until STEP 19 has been completed. 

STEP 21: In the decreasing daylight after your daughter's T Ball practice, attempt to put the A/C unit back together. 

STEP 22: Go to Home Depot for things you don't have (i.e. flashlights your kids haven't confiscated and used all the batteries). 

STEP 23: In the electrical section, come to the realization that you didn't check or even think to check the gauge of the wire connections. 
 
STEP 24: Buy different sizes in bulk and hope for the best. 

STEP 25: Get home and realize you somehow left two of the things you need at the store. 

STEP 26: Return to Home Depot. 

STEP 27: In a reversal of your years as a child, have your dad hold the flashlight as you splice wires, tighten bolts, and make the connections. 

STEP 28: Put everything back together and realize you have extra screws. 

STEP 29: Holler at wife from outside who is repeating STEP 11 and ask her to turn on the A/C. 

STEP 30: Pray to God as you're waiting for the unit to start and it doesn't blow up. 

STEP 31: The unit should start and not blow up. 

STEP 32: Celebrate like you're going to get some for your outstanding A/C repair. 

STEP 33: Write about it on your blog.








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A Bad Penny.

So I’ve been pretty lame as of late.  I guess that happens for me about every six months or so.  Part of it had to do with just not having the time any longer to even type a few words and hit submit.   Some of it had to do with my kids just not doing interesting things for a while.  

A lot of it was because I just didn’t want to.  I didn’t feel like putting anything else out there.  Part of me would just didn’t want to blog anymore.   I contemplated just stopping altogether.  It would not have made a difference or affected any body’s life if I left the blogosphere.  Yet even though I haven’t posted anything of real substance in over a month (or some may think longer), I still have over 80 subscribers.

For what reasons I don’t know.  

Because of this fact, I felt I at least owed those of you who read, comment and lurk an adios and farewell.  I needed to thank you guys for visiting my blog on a daily basis to read my pointless stories and attempts at humor.  It would have been real crappy of me to just leave you guys hanging.

Truth is, I miss writing and would like to get back in the habit of posting on a regular basis.  I sometimes feel I force my kids to be the stars of the blog and rely on them to do something new and unique every day.  Don’t get me wrong, my kids provide my wife and I with laughter and pain on a daily basis. Yet keeping a chronicle of their every step is arduous, unnecessary, and puts pressure on them they don’t even know about.

So what I’m going to do is a little revamping on what I blog about.  I pretty much have been considered a “Dad Blogger” since 99% of the time I was telling stories about my children.  But since I’m taking off the unknown pressure of constantly being entertaining while providing the universe with some learned moral epiphany from my kids, I’m going to just call myself a blogger who happens to be a dad.

While my primary duties are husband and father, I will no doubt be blogging about those topics more than others, but I’m not going to corn-hole myself into a particular topic or theme everyday.    I’d like to other topics like my faith,  some creative ideas or works I’ve done, hot topics, being random with no real point, comics, movies, and even talk about how some people can be idiots.

The only one I probably won’t touch is my job, even though it is a soul destroying Death Star.    

There you go.

It might take you a while to decide if you’re happy about this.

Have a great day my friends.

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Apple Swan.

I haven't been much for providing anything productive or entertaining the past couple months.  But I did find a way to make sure your kids eat their fruit.

Make it in the form of a swan.


If I would have given them a regular apple, they would look at it and throw it across the room.

The design is not mine.  I found it on You Tube somehow.

So.  There you go.



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Eye Burner.

****WARNING!!! THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TMI!!!!****


It's been really busy as of late and that is my excuse for posts that are crap and far between.  But I felt inclined to share a story about an event today.

During break today, I had to use the restroom.  And by use the restroom, I really mean it.  I try to go to the restroom when the kids are busy because they like to join me in there.  They sit on the potty stool across from me and just hang out.  I find it somewhat annoying.  I mean, I'm there reading some comics in the crapper or checking Facebook on my phone and they want to have a conversation.

Well Celi saw that I was making the trip to the Oval Office and she wanted to come along.  She sat in her normal space and I sat in mine and we both did what we had to do.  A few minutes later, Disco opens the door.

Seriously?!?! Why the heck didn't I lock it?!?!

So Disco is standing there with the door open and starts talking to Celi.

Disco: Celi, what do you think about going outside to play later?  I personally want to play the Wii.

Celi: I would like to go outside and play.

Disco: Ok, that works.  Maybe we can do it after Ladybug gets home from school.

Celi: Sounds perfect!!

Daddy: HEY!!! This isn't a town hall meeting!! Close the stinkin' door and you guys can talk later!!!

I force Disco out and finish up.  Celi is still sitting there starts to cry and exclaims...

Celi: Daddy!! My Eyes Are Burning!!!

Daddy:  Really?!? Really, Celi??  This is the last time you are allowed in here with me.

You would think she was that Asian Dude from Raiders of the Lost Ark!!!



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Goodbye Kitty

One thing that is repeated over and over again in this house is the phrase, "Stop throwing [that thing]!!!"

Because they listen to us intently, they usually stop the first time.

Yeah right.

Disco is the worst, he would just pick up random things and throw them in any direction he sees fit.  When I had my laptop at the kitchen desk, I usually had something to drink next to my computer.  On two separate occasions, he threw something and it hit the drink directly and spilled on my keyboard.  He wasn't aiming for anything, he just has this medical condition where he has to throw something.

It's like Tourette's Syndrome.

I really don't know who  the culprit was who threw a stuffed animal, hitting the ceiling fan cord which caused it to hit a bulb on the fan and send  a giant shard of glass to the floor below.

We've told them and we TOLD them.  We've explained that something could happen if they kept throwing these things.  The main thing that could happen would result in them being  thrown themselves.

So the other night, KC was out with MaddSkillz and I was taking care of the kids for their evening activities.  I had the D, the Emsters, Celi and Disco bathed.  Ladybug was in the shower and I was feeding D.  Disco was playing in his room when he came out telling me to come look at Celi's kitty.

"Celi's kitty" is her stuffed Hello Kitty.  We had gotten it for her so she could have a distraction from her pacifier.  We'd give her the kitty every time she asked for her pacifier.  Within three days she wasn't asking for the paci anymore.  She's also tucked into bed with Celi every night.


I figured it was on Ladybug's bed and I told him I'd get it in a minute since I was taking care of D.  A couple minutes went by and he requested me to come get the kitty.  I told him to hold on because my new concern was Ladybug's over 20 minute shower.  I tell her to hurry up and then I smelled something.  I go see Disco and he points to the lamp in their room.

"CRAP!!!!" I yelled.

Kitty was resting in the floor lamp shade on a glowing light bulb.

I quickly removed kitty from the lamp and made sure nothing was on fire.  Disco saw kitty and started crying.


Kitty was dead.  And if she wasn't dead, she wasn't very happy with her current situation.

I wasn't mad and I didn't scream at him.  Yelling that he could have start a fire would have accomplished nothing.  So I calmly took his hands and told him it was okay.  I explained to him this is the reason why we don't throw things.  It didn't make him feel better though.  He was very upset he ruined his sister's kitty.  He went to tell his sister he was sorry.  She said "It's okay."

Honestly she had no idea what had happened, she just wanted him out of her way of Yo Gabba Gabba.  She seemed sad a couple days later when she realized that kitty was "broke".

Kitty will probably not be thrown away.  She'll end up in a box of things they loved  which will probably be joined by Ladybug's Heartbear and Disco's blanket in the coming years.

So this post is dedicated to you "Celi's Kitty".  You didn't last long, but you got the job done.

Celi's Kitty
July 2010 - February 2011

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