Letters to the Editors

I posted something on the Facebook to give me the idea to do this.  I stated that I was open to negotiations with gossip magazines for exclusive rights to my as of yet to be born baby’s first photos. 

I kind of really meant it.

So I emailed the editors of Us Weekly and People Magazine.

Really I did.

This is not a joke.

Well, I do joke in the emails to them, but I really really did email them.

You’re bcc’d in below….



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I wanted to reach out to you and let you know of an opportunity to have exclusive rights to the first authorized photos of my newborn child.  My wife and I are having our sixth and final child in September.  We’re not what you call your usual US Weekly story.  We’re married for one.  Our last name is not Kardashian, nor are we royalty.

We do make cute babies though.

While they’re wouldn’t be any outrageous stories about me partying all night with Justin Beiber while my wife is home with the kids.  There could be equally interesting stories like:

KRISTIE LEAVES BUTTER OUT! ERIC MUST EAT DRY TOAST

ERIC NEGLECTS TO TAKE CLOTHES FROM WASHER! LEAVES FOR WORK AND HIS PREGNANT WIFE MUST RE-WASH THEM!!

Most of the dramatic headlines will have to do with us leaving stuff out or something.

Maybe do a “Bolton’s They’re Just Like Us”….
KRISTIE PLAYS CANDY CRUSH WHILE ERIC WATCHED DOCTOR WHO WITH THE CHILDREN!!!!

We could even get unnamed friends of ours to say stuff like: “Their van is always dirty!!”

I know it’s not sexy.  But we’re awesome.  Our first five kids are awesome and this last kid is going to complete the awesomeness.  It will have to be an awesome filled issue!!!

Maybe have some Doctor Who pics in there too.  I can also give you a picture of some of the beans  I made the other day and a picture of Johnny Manziel .

Anyways about the baby. 

She’ll be born in September. Which means she wasn’t conceived on Valentine’s Day like the others could have been.

It’s simple math.

We found out she will be a she (well she was always a she, we just didn’t know she was a she, almost everyone but me and a handful of people thought she was a he) at a gender reveal party this past weekend.  We had friends and family show up and hang out and find out what we were having when we cut the cake.

It was pink.

You know, for a girl.

I could tell you all about the drama of that day, but that’s the story I will tell later. Believe me, it was a doozy.

So anyways, we’re a cool couple who is going to have another cool baby.  Maybe even cooler because this is the first baby we’re having after Pinterest was invented (A.P.) so we’ll make sure to have chevrons and crochet onesies.

If interested in the rights, my wife has an option for you to provide Tim McGraw at the delivery in lieu of payment.

I hope they give her two epidurals so she will stop thinking crazy like that.

Anyways, bang me on my celly.

Eric, Lord of Boltonshire.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Do I think I'll get more than an automated reply?

Nope.

Welcome to Boltonshire.

2 comments:

An Invitation to Tim McGraw


Dear Tim,

You are cordially invited to a special event.

The birth of my sixth child.

As creepy as it sounds, my wife said you were invited.

I'm not sure how I feel about it, because it's kind of creepy.

But I've done this a few time before and I'm pretty much phoning this pregnancy in.

Oh, it'll be sometime in September.

RSVP Kristie.

1 comments:

My Superhero.

Believe it or not, I might be a geek.  I know. I know.  This is something that is hard to believe, but I am.  I also haven't been the swoll BMOC you all believed me to be.  I never really came out and said I was though.  I just may have never denied it.

But I've been a geek for a long time.  During that time, I've read a lot of comic books.  So I've learned quite a bit about super heroes.

In comics, Spider Man was my favorite superhero.  Superheroes step in because there needs to be more done than what is currently being done.  They realize they were given this responsibility as a gift, and it is up to them to make the decision in order to use it or not.  The people they save or take care of sometimes don't even know they are being saved.  The situation can be so large, only the hero knows the extent of it.  They sometimes make decisions that sacrifice relationships, or cause friction with people they truly care about in order to keep everyone safe.

Being a superhero is often a thankless job.  They can spend many many issues fighting some villain, only for the people to be pissed off because they didn't do enough or someone they were trying to save lost something during the battle.  

They do the work others can't.  They stay up late making sure everyone is safe. They do it and not expect payment.  They stand up and fight no matter what the odds.  If it's the biggest villain they've ever faced, they still get in there and fight, even if it means their possible death.  

They have people that talk bad about them.  People call them selfish.  People can sometimes be jealous of the hero.  Maybe being a hero is what others have always wanted, but can't understand why this particular hero gets to have the powers they do.

Sometimes the hero may seem that fighting the fight is pointless.  That change is taking so long and it seems like people don't even care.  They may even say, "fine, let them take care of it themselves."  Yet deep down they know they can't ever give up.  They will continue to fight despite the victory being so far in the future.  Because the well being of the many is more important than their own.  

They will continue to fight and do the dirty work others can't.  They will fight even if they never get a thank you.  They will fight even if others are mad at them.  They will fight until their dying breath to make sure the world they have been given to protect is able to rest every night.

Because of that, that is why my wife, Kristie, continues to be the superhero of Boltonshire.  


Happy Birthday Sweetie.  You are an amazing woman, a wonderful mother and a loving wife.  Without you Boltonshire would be in chaos.





0 comments: